dear blog.

ugh this past friday didnt go well at all. austin and i were going to stay with mom but it ended up a big fight. i asked mom if me austin and hanna could go to uptown altamonte to go walk around and she said yes sure. but only a little while later she calls me back saying i cant because she doesnt approve of us listening to the "non sabbath" music that will be played there. i told her that i wasnt going because i wanted to listen to the music, i was going because i wanted to spend time with hanna and austin. she got really upset and said i had to come straight to her house. i told her if that was the reason i couldnt go to uptown altamonte then i didnt want to spend the night at her house. i felt she was not being fair when she had said yes the first time. so then i call my dad and she is already on the phone with him and they are arguing. mom is crying and going hysterical and dad is telling me to spend the night at moms and listen to her. mom told my dad that the reason she wouldnt let me go to walk around uptown altamont is because i didnt invite her. she totally changed her story from not allowing me to listen to the music there, to me not inviting her to go with me so i cant go. she started crying and yelling more. it was very uncomfortable having to explain things to my dad while my mom was having an emotional breakdown. she started talking about how rejected she felt and i tried to tell her i would be more than happy to have her with me and my friend and austin at uptown altamont. i didnt mind at all......it was just that she changed her stories and wasnt controlling herself emotionally.

ugh today was like the worst saturday ever!!!!

i was really looking forward to spending time with my mom which i dont get to do as often as i want but today was just a disaster.

first i found pictures on my moms camera of our house and it was obvious that she had been snooping around and getting different shots and then got a few of her house. (or course making her house look like crap compared to ours even though my dad offered many times to let her get a new house and he would stay in the rental one by the hospital )....

soooo anyways austin and i delete the pictures and mom gets all mad when she finds out and says its "her business" but of course tresspassing around our house is not cool either but she didnt really seem to reason to that. only that her attorney wanted pictures and it didnt matter what they were for as long as she got them. she had no clue the damage she would do if she turned those pictures in. but of course being the clueless unthinking person she is, she didnt know. it really frustrates me when my mom says she is wanting to work things out with dad but then goes behind his back and snoops around getting "dirt" on him that isnt true and way out of proportion.

so we got in a fight over that but got over it and a few hours went by smoothly untill mom calls dad and brings up some more stuff.

because see previously, i had told austin, not thinking my mom was there that my dad and amber had taken pictures of when they conceived jackson..... but it wasnt true and i didnt remember correctly and that in the pictures she was pregnant and about to have jackson.....but the damage was already done and mom goes yelling at dad and he gets mad at me and is wondering what in the world is going on. i tried to clear it up with mom that it wasnt true that dad and amber had taken pics having sex but by then she didnt believe me......

i swore on the Bible and to God that it wasnt true but she wouldnt believe me. sometimes i think there is something mentally wrong with  my mom by the way she handles things and she was just yelling in the car right in front of alexandra and going on and on about how now she hated dad and wanted to deffinately divorce him. she wouldnt listen to anything i said or what austin would say. i think she was honestly insane with the way she was talking and screaming,....it had no logic and didnt make sense. she just wouldnt listen and i was just trying to drive while austin and i yelled back at her defending ourselves in front of poor alexandra who was mortified. even after we asked mom repeatedly to calm down for alex's sake she wouldnt. she just went on and on. literally like a crazy woman.

i think she wasnt on her meds. she kept going on about the Bible and then would suddenly talk about something else and then something else that had no relation to the issue.

i dont think my mom is safe with alexandra and aidan..... she just leaves aidan with the neighbors whenever and doesnt know when they are outside or inside.... her emotions are not under control a lot of the time....

however there are some times when mom is on her medication and she is a great person to be around, i love being with her and like doing things with her and the rest of the family...i wish she was the same she was b4 all this happened. why is she so different and hard to relate to?

my dad never says anything bad about her and is always defending her to us even when we call her crazy....yet she still accuses him of lying and being deceitful to her.....bull crap...

Currently Listening Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs! By Hellogoodbye see related

stupid mom

ugh its so agrivating!

every time i try and do something with my mom she backs out.

always complaining that i dont spend time with her but when i want to get together like have lunch or something she says something like "ow im sorry i already ate, i was just too hungry".

even though i planned it with her to eat lunch so i end up just getting something myself...the result is no quality time spent with her...

yet she complains....

if it wasnt for me making plans to get together i wouldnt hear from her for like a week at a time or ever see her yet she is always complaining that i never spend time with her.

WHAT THE HECK!

im constantly making plans that she does not follow through with.

im pretty much feeling emo right now...

*sigh* my life is a wreck, why is nothing stable.

all i want to know is...

what lasts forever??

So, please, just be patient.
I'm so afraid to care about someone.
I know it seems like I'm this strong girl
who can get through everything,
but inside I'm very fragile.
I've had so many things thrown at me,
& each one has only made a crack.
What I'm afraid of is shattering.

He asked, "Are you sad?"
And she was quiet, hesitant, unlike herself,
until she shakily shook her head "yes."
And he said nothing, but ran his hands up her
back and turned her to face him, pressing his nose
against hers looking softly, hardly breathing,
understanding, not knowing, not even loving,
just comprehension, comprehension of what
she needed: The hands that brushed her spine and
the hair out of her face, he felt her heart and
everything she held inside it and
he held her like he held the world.

I listen to sad lyrics
and there’s days I cry at night
I’m not suicidal and I don’t want my life to end
...I'm just waiting for it to begin...

She builds high walls around her heart cause she knows no one can climb that high. That way, when no one else is able to reach the top, which is what she knows is going to happen, she won't be disappointed.

I'm too young to be this empty.

Caída en amor con mí.
Fall in love with me.

i'm nowhere near perfect.
i eat when im bored.
i fall for boys too easily
i'm vulnerable to believing lies
i'm hoping that one day i don't need a fake smile
i live by quotes that explain exactly what i'm going through
i make up excuses for everything
i have best friends and enemies
i have drama and memories
& i forget why im still here sometimes
you have no idea.

&& she fell asleep
with her headphones on,
mascara running down her cheeks
&& listening to the song that reminds her of him